The song, My Immortal, by Evanescence, was released in early 2003. It has always been a favorite of mine. I came across it again this morning and listened, soaking in the words. Every time I hear it, every emotional button I possess is pressed, and long-suppressed feelings bubble to the surface. Yet, I will listen to the entire song without fail and maybe even play it again to dwell in the depths of those feelings.

It’s occurred to me more than once how much that song represents who I am. Who I always was and will always be. I don’t know who penned the lyrics, who they written for or about, or what the story is behind them. I suppose I could google it, but then I don’t want to ruin the image and deeper emotions this song evokes for me.

When the haunting music flows over me, pours through me, and fills every deep crevasse, I know it was created with me in mind. Written for my future self to listen to and say, “Yes. That still applies.” And for me, the song feels like my adult, fearless self is speaking to my fearful inner child. The terrified being that never seems to go away. Who suffered night terrors and still does. The one whose hand will always need to be held.

Today, I’ll hug that inner child tight, smooth back her dark, chestnut hair, and then send her to her room to play after assuring her all is well in her world. With a bittersweet smile, I’ll close the door on the past again and go about my day, getting lost in the business and hectic flow of everything I need to do.

Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo 

I’m so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

‘Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real

There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears

When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

Now, I’m bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real

There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears

When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

And you still have all of me

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone

But though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone, I’m alone